


Don't Wash Colored Clothes With White Ones

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Series: Gintama Chromatic Chronicles [2]
Category: Gintama, Алые паруса - Алекса́ндр Грин | Scarlet Sails - Alexander Grin
Genre: Archery, Backstory, Cameos, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Festivals, Forced Marriage, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, Literary References & Allusions, Marriage Contracts, Parody, Pseudonyms, Puns & Word Play, Rivalry, Royalty, Sailing, Sequel, Swearing, Writers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-22 03:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12472964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Gintama Chromatic Chronicles entry #2: Red.An Amanto captain of a spaceship with red sails was sailing the galaxy to find a certain lady with red hair. Kagura was not amused.Parody of Alexander Grin's 1923 novel Scarlet Sails. Set afterBlue Light.





	1. Chapter 1

Kagura was as full as she could get from all the free all-you-can-eat shaved ice she was offered at the shaved ice stall for not mistaking the salesperson's gender. This of course annoyed Shinpachi as there was much more to explore at this festival and he wanted to do so as much as they could before the fireworks. She eventually gave in to Shinpachi's request and followed him and Gintoki to the shuriken-throwing stall, and won a few gifts. Well, a "few" might be a bit of a stretch.

"Stop it, Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi was frantic, "What else do you want? You just won the _entire stall_ , and each player could use only ten shuriken! I said, stop it!"

Kagura pretended not to hear him as she continued hurling one shuriken after another even as the stall owner, Mr. Hasegawa, had already given her the last prize. "Please stop, I don't have anything else to give you!" he nearly wept, dodging the barrage of blades after blades thrown at him, "And whatever you say, I'm not giving you my sunglasses!"

"Shut up, stupid old man. I'm not asking you for that. I want that thing you keep hidden over there." Kagura said, pointing to an object sticking out from behind the target board.

 _How does she see that?_ "B… but…"

"Either that or your sunglasses."

Hasegawa eventually gave in and pulled out the object, which was an intricately crafted toy ship with striking red sails. It was made with painstaking accuracy and resembled a real vessel down to every detail, but there was no way Kagura could tell that. She was very likely just going to use it to store used napkins, "This was my greatest treasure, so please, please be careful with it. Young Chiharu's father used to be a seafarer and toymaker, and she gave me this as a farewell gift and…"

Before Hasegawa could continue with his tragic tale, the Odd Jobs trio had already disappeared.

* * *

"I said, stop tossing it! It looks like a very detailed work of handicrafts!" Shinpachi yelled, all his attention paid to warning Kagura who kept tossing the ship into the air instead of to the fireworks, "Do you want to break such a beautiful toy?"

"Pfft, who wants this crappy, sorry excuse for a toy? Kids today are brats. They don't want a tiny ship. They want real, big, _expensive_ ships to sail the galaxy with a boyfriend they just met a few minutes ago on the Internet." said Kagura.

"Then why did you ask Hasegawa-san for it in the first place? Besides, that's some pretty horrible thing to say about your own generation!"

They were too lost in their heated argument to see that a silhouette of a ship had appeared against the colorful backdrop of the fireworks and got bigger and bigger as it approached them (don't ask about Gintoki, he was asleep). They eventually stopped when said ship finally landed to the shock of themselves and other festival-goers. While the crowd began buzzing with whispers and discussions of whether it was heralding a sudden invasion, Kagura gazed up at the majestic vessel, especially at its stately masts and striking red sails which made the colorful fireworks pale in comparison. The sight of the whole thing looked more like in one of those children's fantasy pirate shows she'd seen on TV than a typical Amanto spaceship.

"See, this is what I'm talking about! It looks exactly like this piece of crap, only bigger! You know what they say, bigger is better!" she exclaimed.

"Better my butt! It just gatecrashed the festival! Who knows, what if these are terrorists or something!" Shinpachi tried dragging Kagura away, but she was too strong, "Damn it, we gotta run! Gin-san, wake up!"

Immediately, the ship's crew showed up, but then made way for a young man dressed in captain's attire. He said nothing and motioned to one of his sailors.

As if springing out of nowhere, two of the sailors popped up behind Kagura, lifted her off the ground and carried her on board. It was too quick for Shinpachi to react; he ran after them and tried to climb aboard, but the captain shot at him. The bullet didn't hit him, but barely missed his cheek, and he instantly backed off.

The ship sailed away as Shinpachi stared on in despair, Gintoki was still asleep and the toy ship now left on the grass beside them.


	2. Chapter 2

"Let go, you duck-shit-covered old creep ( _ **ma** gamo-kuso- **da** rake **o** ssan_)!" Kagura yelled and knocked yet another muscular sailor unconscious as he tried to get close to her. These guys were persistent; as soon as she defeated one, another one would get up again. The battle started to wear Kagura down as she was clearly outnumbered, but she was not one to lose easily. With a dropped scimitar nearby, she cut off the lower part of her summer yukata for more mobility. She swung the scimitar at her enemies and revelled as they slowly backed away.

Then, all of a sudden, a pink shadow dashed at blur speed among them before stopping in front of Kagura, at which point it became clear it was a young man dressed in a pink jacket. Seeing him, the sailors immediately dropped the intimidating look they were sporting moments ago, "Captain Grey."

"I am thoroughly disappointed in you lot. You are just a bunch of out-and-out wimpy idiots ( _ **ma** ttaku **da** jaku na **o** baka_)." he said with an accent that made Kagura cringe; accents upon incorrect syllables, the _u_ sound rounded and the _r_ rolled like no tomorrrrrrow among other atrocities so painful to hear Kagura's ears almost literally bled, "If I can't trust you to take care of a woman, then how can I trust you to do anything else?"

"But Captain, she is too powerful." said one of his men.

Captain Grey said no word — thank god — and moved aside so his men could see Kagura. She stared dumbfounded for a while before looking down at herself — her summer yukata was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she was wearing a splendid wedding gown adorned with silk roses and dangling jewels. The scimitar in her hand also vanished, in its place was a bouquet.

"What the…" Kagura uttered.

"See? I did it in just a few minutes. Now get lost." Grey ordered, at which his men immediately returned to their posts. Now with only Kagura and himself on the deck, he approached her, whispering to her — his breath reeked of tobacco mixed with alcohol, which was even more painful than his accent, "Now, don't be shy, Azuki. It's time. Let's get back to our planet. Preparation for our excellent wedding is already under way. Then, we'll have an excellent honeymoon and…"

He was instantly knocked to the floor, blood streaming from his nostrils. "I'd rather eat garbage than go on honeymoon with a crappy-accented, crappy-breathed bastard with a name like that character from Fifty Shades. Also," she approached him and placed the sole of one of her stilletos on his cheek, threatening to crush his face any time, "I'm neither Azuki nor do I like _azuki_ bean paste. That's Gin-chan's thing."


	3. Chapter 3

"Aw man, I found the wrong girl _again_?" Captain Grey, full name Grey Halfbuster, buried his bruised face in his hands, "But I saw you holding that toy ship with my own eyes _and_ you have red hair to boot! How can you _not_ be Azuki?"

"Yep, that's right, I'm not the girl you're looking for. Also, I'm Kagura, not Keh-GOO-rrrrrrah." she replied calmly, spinning the globe on the table before her once again — Grey had been constantly warning her not to mess with the equipments in his room, "What is this disgusting pink jacket you're wearing? Did you wash those huge sails with a white jacket and ended up with this or something?"

"This is latest fashion, damn it! Read some fashion magazines!"

"Pfft, reading fashion magazines instead of Shonen Jump ain't gonna convince anyone you're any more sophisticated or "differrent" from "other guys", you know. What an attention-seeker."

"I never said I read those to differentiate myself from other guys! It just happens to be a hobby of mine to read "girly" stuff. Here, all the novels I have on this shelf here are written by women writers" he went to the shelf, selected a few of the books and handed them to Kagura, "I especially like this one, just published earlier this year: "The Tale of Grenzey" by Kurenai Shikibu. It's about a former prince named Grenzey who sails the world, battles all kinds of enemies and finds his "treasure" — the woman of his dreams. Worth a read." they then spent the next minutes reading and discussing the books until one of them realized they were not in a book club and smashed the other's face with a hardback novel.

"Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to go buddy-buddy with you. You're my enemy. Now, either take me back to Earth or I'll burn all your books along with this ship!"

"With you still on it? Come on, don't be ridiculous." he removed the book from his face, his healed nose now bleeding again, "We're already en route to another planet, so we can't go back now until I've done searching for Azuki there. Then I'll take you back to Earth."

"Who the hell is this Azuki anyway? Are you really that big of a sweet tooth to try and marry red bean paste? Well, considering you're also a lazy, irresponsible freak who doesn't even know that colored clothes should never be washed along with white ones, I'm not surprised."

"I said, this jacket is…" the ship shook violently as it crashed, and their conversation ended there.


	4. Chapter 4

"That red-haired lady's a childhood friend of mine" said Grey as he and Kagura left the ship and navigated the mansion compound they had landed on while taking care not to be detected, "I gave her my favorite toy, the ship with red sails. I was completely unaware that my planet, 3291 (read _Minikui_ — ugly), has a custom which dictates that giving someone a red object indicates a promise to marriage, so now I have to make good on that promise."

"What happened to this fic's author's sense of originality? Is this any different from the Yagyu story?" Kagura shouted, making Grey cover her mouth. She lowered her voice to a whisper instead, "And now you're still looking for her? By kidnapping every redheads holding a toy ship you see?" he nodded, "Damn, you're the stupidest guy I've ever met. You think she's gonna remember that stupid childhood promise of yours? As far as I'm concerned, she might very well be sailing off on her own luxury cruise ship with some guy she's just met 15 minutes ago on the Internet, then dump him in the middle of space for some other guy who's just sent her an emoji a few _seconds_ earlier! That's modern love for you, foul-accented man."

"How can someone as young as you spout such hateful garbage, foul-mouthed lady?" Grey retorted before Kagura covered his mouth for being too loud — her hand hit his face a little too hard, causing his nose to bleed again — "Would you please treat that wedding gown carefully? The seams are already torn off and you've just left a trail of jewels behind us! Damn it, this dress is expensive!"

"I left it there so we can find our way back to the ship later, Hansel and Gretel style." Kagura replied, unaware that two sword-wielding, intimidating men had sneaked up behind her.

"But you just blew our cover by leaving those guys a clue to where we are! Great job Gretel!" she turned around just as the swordsmen were about to strike. She tried to knock them down, but her stilleto-clad foot tripped over a pebble, and she collapsed spectacularly ( _damn, should have taken these stupid shoes off_ ). Luckily, Grey came to her aid, drawing his gun, making the swordsmen take a few steps back.

But his gun was out of bullets.

With no possible means of defending themselves left, they were then caught and taken away.

* * *

"Milady, we have caught the intruders." said one of the swordsmen, dropping the then-bound Kagura and Grey down on their knees before a large bamboo blind hanging from the ceiling.

"Cut their ropes." came a voice from behind the blind, "What did I tell you about treating my fans? Ever since my Grenzey novel became an interplanetary bestseller, this happens all the time. It's normal. You're going to sabotage my career as a writer if you scare away my fans like this. Now release them."

Both swordsmen reluctantly freed the two from their ropes, but Grey was too shocked to thank them. Turned out, the woman having penned his favorite book was right there, just separated from him by a blind! "Ms. Kurenai Shikibu." he started, voice trembling with joy, "It's a pleasure to meet you here… You do have beautiful plants in your garden… I mean, I love your book. So much. I love your work as much as I love my kneecaps… I mean…"

Kagura already facepalmed five times when all of a sudden the blind rolled up so quickly it let out a bloodcurdling rattling noise. The woman barged at Grey howling like a berserker all while toppling him to the floor and delivering punches after punches to his face and, you guessed it, dyeing it with blood gushing from his nose, "You motherfucking foul-accented bastard! How the fucking fuck did you fucking find your fucking way to this planet? Can't you fucking leave me the fuck alone? You've fucking fucked up my fucking childhood, now you have to fucking follow me like a creepy fucking stalker now? I'll fucking kill the fuck out of you, you fucking fucktard!" she stopped at once when she saw him staring at her wide-eyed, not even bothering to fight back or to block her blows, "What the fuck is it?"

Grey just kept on staring at her and the way her luscious strawberry red mane of hair draped over her extravagant robes. _Can it be?_ It all became clear now, but Grey still found it impossible to believe that…

"… Azuki?" he uttered.


	5. Chapter 5

"I said, call me Azuki again and I'll gut you. I'm an adult now, and that silly childhood name is dead." said the woman, now dressed in a simple kimono with a breastplate, strapping a quiver to her back and grabbing her longbow. She then drew an arrow and pointed it at Grey's throat, " _But_ I'll cut out your heart and eat it raw if you dare call me by that shitty "real" name I was saddled with since birth, Menna no Asoru. As you already know, that stupid name was the reason I called myself Azuki in the first place, but considering your shitty memory, I suppose you won't remember it. I see you can't even remember not to wash red clothes with a white jacket."

"Talk shit like that about my jacket again and I'll hack your head off." Grey didn't seem one bit fazed, "What the hell is with you girls and your general consensus that men can't possibly wear _genuinely_ pink things? This jacket was pink when I bought it and has always been since! Besides, you really are as bitchy as you were when I last saw you. If I can call you by neither your nickname nor your real name, then how am I going to address you? Or do you want me to call you Ms Bitchier-Than-a-Bitch? Or Ms Fans-Are-More-Important-Than-Old-Friends? Or Ms All-Around-Unbearable-Person?"

"Call me by the name I put on my novel, and nothing else! That includes you too, fic author." said Kurenai, "Thanks author."

"Pfft. You, interplanetary bestselling novelist Kurenai Shikibu? No, there's no fucking way a bitch like you could have penned the excellent Tale of Grenzey. You have been impersonating her so you can have all the wealth and fame, I'm sure of it!"

"What the fuck is with you boys and your general consensus that women are always after wealth and fame and that they can't possibly achieve great goals without those two things in mind? That's why I fled that stupid shithole that is 3291 in the first place."

"Does he really want to marry her?" Kagura pondered, watching the two's endless quarreling when it abruptly ended with an arrow flying at a blinding speed at her direction, barely missing her face, lodging in the pillar behind her. "Hey, what was that for?" she snapped.

"It was a fly." Kurenai said, lowering her bow. There was indeed a fly impaled by the arrow to the pillar.  _Such accuracy_ , thought Kagura. _She's one hell of an archer_. "Who are you, may I ask? I apologize for not having noticed you. And why are you in a bridal gown? Are you…"

She was cut off and neither could Kagura answer her, because they were utterly flabbergasted. Within the blink of an eye, Kagura was wearing her cut-short yukata again, and Kurenai's archer attire turned into the very gown Kagura was donning moments ago. Giving neither women the chance to react, Grey slung both of them over his shoulders and sprinted out of the mansion.


	6. Chapter 6

"Would you fucking stop it? You just destroyed my jacket, you bitch!" Grey shrieked, hopelessly pinned to the wall of his study by at least two dozen arrows, all of them having landed with such terrifying accuracy they were all  _exactly_ one millimeter away from piercing his flesh.

"Are there that many flies in here?" asked Kagura, who was in a position much similar to Grey's, only worse — she was pinned upside-down.

"Foul-accented bastard Grey Halfbuster, you are one hell of a vile and detestable motherfucker!" Kurenai roared, loading yet another arrow, "I never thought you would be so sick as to _kidnap_ women! And you too, you fucking bitch!" she turned to Kagura, "You despicable little monster who fails women everywhere by playing along with his insane scheme! You two are the most evil beings I have ever encountered, and for this I must punish you accordingly!"

"Then why don't you kill me already?" said Grey.

"No, that would be too nice. I'll put pictures of the both of you on social media so everyone in the world will be able to know what horrible monsters you are, so no one would ever associate themselves with you again! I will not kill you, but I will ruin your lives as long as you're still alive!" she said. That apparently did it for Grey, who practically went berserk and tore himself free from the wall, sacrificing his beloved pink jacket in the process. Roaring at the top of his lungs, he snatched Kurenai's bow and arrow, throwing them to the floor before delivering a blow to Kurenai's face so hard blood gushed from her nostrils. Her shock had still not yet worn out when Grey then collapsed to his knees, sobbing.

"No, I don't need you to ruin my life. It _is_ already ruined. No, Kurenai, please kill me." he cried, "Isn't it bad enough that I have to carry a marriage promise to a woman I am not and will _never_ be in love with that there is literally no way I can get out of? Kurenai, I beg you, either marry me or kill me."

"Boo-hoo, this ain't a sappy Korean drama." Kurenai was unfazed, ""No way" my ass! How stupid must you be to still subscribe to that outdated custom. I was given shit tons of red gifts ever since I came of age, but guess what? I just fled the planet! Well, can't expect a shitbrained foul-accented son-of-a-bitch to wise up and gain freedom for himself, huh?"

"Shut the fuck up! What the fuck do you know? You know why freedom is easy for you? Because your parents aren't the fucking _tsar and tsarina_! I'd flee the planet too were I not born into royalty." said Grey, lowering his voice.

"Oh great, not a prince _again_?" Kagura commented, having finally freed herself after spending a long time trying to pluck out the arrows pinning her to the wall.

"I'm never called that, but technically yes, I'm a prince. Also, my real name is Haizaki. Look, I know this fact doesn't contribute to the story, but that's how it is." he replied, "When I was little, I was bullied by all the kids I know because of my Imperial dialect and my "girly" hobbies. And then I met a girl called Azuki, who was bullied as much as I was, but at least you could see why." he gave Kurenai a glare, "She was such an unbearable kid and we couldn't stand each other, but thanks to society's warped perception that if two people hate each other, they are secretly in love, a view I _far_ too often see in many of the novels I've read, the kids decided we were an item, to the point where they pulled a cruel trick: forcing me to give my beloved toy, a little ship with red sails, to her when I didn't know what that act meant. When I did find out about it, I kept it a secret and carried on with my life until after I returned to the palace from college. Turns out, my parents already knew everything and a wedding was already being planned. They ordered me to find you at all costs." Grey started crying again, "I know this is wrong, but what else can I do? If a royal doesn't make good on his promises, it will prove fatal to the nation's dignity. I'm not allowed to have a voice of my own when every little thing I do has consequences on the nation's honor, every little mistake I make becomes acts of treason. I'm not allowed to respect one person's rights when it's at the expense of the entire country. I can't just run away and go on endless adventures like Captain Grenzey; he's not how princes are in real life. So please, Menna no Asoru, please either be my wife or slay me."

Right then, loud clamoring noises could be heard from outside the study, and Grey's heartfelt words were never answered.


	7. Chapter 7

The sailors were taken by surprise by a large group of armed men storming the ship while in mid-air. They were outnumbered, but they tried to fend the intruders off until an arrow flied out from nowhere, piercing a sailor's sandal but not his toes, effectively pinning his foot to the floor, and the fighting stopped.

"Kurenai-sama!" said one of the intruders as soon as they saw the one having shot the arrow exiting the captain's quarter along with Grey and Kagura, "Thanks gods you are safe. We are here to bring you back."

"Not just her, dude." came an all-too-familiar voice, and Kagura's face lit up as she saw no one other than Gintoki and Katsura among the intruders.

"Gin-chan! Zura!" she called, but her elated mood quickly turned into puzzled as she saw the bizarre outfits the two were clad in — a military uniform for Katsura and a -gasp- _sheep suit_ for Gintoki (to be fair, it was _very_ fitting for the mass of silver curls on his head), "How did you get here?"

"Not Zura, it's Lieutenant Katsurrrrrrra!" that said, Kagura and Kurenai both immediately threw glances at Grey, who returned them with puzzlement.

"This-and-that happened and we did this-and-that and we made it here." said Gintoki.

"The fuck do you mean by "this-and-that"?" Grey yelled, "We need a decent explanation!"

"Well, old man Hiraga assembled us this wonderful little machine called The Plot Device which helped us get to that lady novelist's place and team up with her bodyguards." Gintoki said again, at which a robot who looked terribly like R2-D2 from Star Wars appeared and grinned.

"… What the actual _fuck_?" Grey was pulling his hair in frustration, "'Sides, what is the deal with those stupid costumes? Just _what_ is going on? I don't understand anything!"

"Watch _Sheep in the Big City_ , then the information will seep through your thick skull. Now, it's time to get back to business. Hand Kagura over, or I'll lop your head off."

"Yeah, and Kurenai-sama too!" the bodyguards followed.

They as well as Gintoki and Katsura was expecting Grey and his sailors to put up a good fight, but instead he ordered his sailors to retreat before offering himself to the men. "You can take both women. Please behead me."

The men froze in place out of shock until Grey relayed everything he said to Kurenai earlier to them, at which point Gintoki and Katsura threw their swords to the floor. Kurenai's bodyguards were confused, but then all followed suit.

"Change of plans. We'll all go to his planet and have a talk with his parents. If they don't agree, we'll make them." said Gintoki before approaching Grey, "Stand up, Your Highness. I understand your obligation to protect your country's honor, but what about your _own_ honor? It's unacceptable that an idividual has to be the dignity of _somebody else_. Honor is important, but you should only work on and protect your own honor and be your own person. You are nobody's honor but your own."

With that, the ship headed straight for the planet known as 3291.

* * *

"Hey, at least Kagura is back in one piece, the lady novelist returned to her planet, the dude with stupid accent was declared _persona non grata_ on his planet but achieved his dream of travelling the universe on a red-sailed ship  _and_ the two of them are now on friendly terms! What else do you want?" Gintoki whined as both he and Shinpachi dodged the arrow which had just lodged itself between them on the park bench they were sitting on.

"I strongly disagree with you on what you said about Kagura-chan." Shinpachi replied, seeing Kagura's futile attempt at aiming for the apple atop Sadaharu's head, Sadaharu being just a few footsteps away from her, "Her, reading _books_ and practicing _archery_? If this doesn't mean disaster is about to befall us, then I don't know what is."

**The End**


End file.
